Archive | Thoughts on Becoming RSS feed for this section

Thoughts in Portugal

11 Jul

bd6a288628339dbde0b34679c8e8e5205199bb77_m

November 2008

Those who work all the time and think that money makes them happy have no time to find delights in the little delight in life- they walk over a flower in the crack with their Prada heel.

Funny how in the winter time you can’t think about wearing any other colour than black and any other weight but warm, but slowly the weather does change and with it- you.

Sometimes I forget where I am. I can walk a whole block and not even realize it, I can pass many things before I stop and take a deep breath and ask, where am I, I am here not there in my thoughts or in that place. I look around and think ok, I am present.

While I was in Italy I felt as though the streets and buildings were concrete and there I was, all my atoms together in a foreign world like oil in water, but when in Portugal I felt as though my hair was the wind, my feet planted through the grass, my body the sea, and I blended into the city.

There was a boy next to me and we were friends, I could take his ear plugs and listen to his music like we had been friend travelling our daily route together. Through joking seriousness we ran through conversations, honesty met with a joyful twinkle of a little kid, playful are they that live by the sea- I will remember them well.

Don’t you just love it when you are smiling and you look over and someone is looking and smiling at you like a mom does when they look at their sleeping child, caring, wondering, and you both laugh and look down or away as if embarrassed of this intense moment but still like the lingering taste of garlic, the warm feeling of the smile resides.

Lisbon is the place for– I sink into it like a foot print in the mud, the perfect fit, the earthy feel, childish action- I can’t help but smile.

Even the poor, weighed down with her black torn shawls and sweaters, wrinkly face, thickened skin from nights in the cold was enjoying a chocolate pudding.

Advertisements

Travelling

11 Jul

IMG_0474.JPG

July 2006

What I love about travelling is that you notice how many different ways there are to living and you find all these weird people that make you feel normal.

Everyone says this over and over again but few people actually follow it “Just be yourself.” When you travel you realize it doesn’t matter who you are, just as long as you are you.

Because there are billions of people in the world who are being something for someone else, and when you find those few who are built for the means to be themselves. You can’t help but want to find out their secret.

In the Café Farm

11 Jul

grateful[1]

July 2006

Today I worked in the café field with the men.

At first I followed this teenage girl carrying a bundle of café plants to the field, then after about thirty minutes of walking I was pared up with this one man, who is one of the head officers, my guess because he kept track of all the people working. Who did what, where and how much.

I was brought down to the café plants and planted about 20 plants. After that we headed off to two men planting a row of water plants on the side of a hill so that when it rains the water won’t rip out the café plants.

We talked and laughed and I felt joyous. I am feeling a lot better now and see people as friends rather than just another person. What was interesting is that while I was walking with the owner person, I realized my encounter with him had been solely about work and solemn. I then proceeded to fill myself with joy and curiosity towards him, there was a moment where he looked back and paused for a moment, only one slight moment, but in that time he felt my joy.

About two minutes later he offered me a banana, as a subconscious thank you for being joyful.

One of my favourite things to do while working is ask myself what do I get to think about today.

For the reasons that I have so many interesting things to think about, my face lightens up with a smile from a secret treasure I found. I thought about the future and how I always think about the future and how the future will come when it comes.

Why ruin the moments of now with the moments of later? Why miss the opportunities of the present? So instead I thought about the earth in my hands and how I wouldn’t like to plant trees all summer, I thought about who is the new president of Mexico and I asked one of the men I was working with if he knew and he looked at me in a way stating “Why does it matter?”

Why does it matter is the question we should all ask ourselves.

Becoming

8 Jul

57347138792e41ea40c16ffb57a148a83e57b455_m

October 2008

You know what’s really cool is that I am taking control of my life.

There is a quote that goes “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You don’t blame them on your mother, the ecology or the president. You can realize that you control your own destiny.” Albert Ellis.

I’ve had this quote for a while, but I never wanted to accept it until now. Now I feel as though I have the maturity and the capability to see a problem and fix it. As well, I keep in mind that hard problems are never fixed instantly and just because I failed to fix a problem on the first try doesn’t mean it won’t be fixed later on. I have a goal in sight and through my failures I have learned how to get closer to that goal.

I have also learned that if something isn’t working, try something new, create a new plan to see if that works. And to not be afraid of failure because the most successful people are the best failures. I have a hard time though, with keeping people out of my head and ring to decide for myself, trying to believe in myself, trying to dust off my knees and decide where to start climbing again.

As if I am trying to listen to my music on a bus and everyone else is talking so loud that I can’t hear my own beat.

But if I focus in, the beat gets louder, that’s just a muscle I will learn to flex.

Part of me wonders what if I never reach my goals, what if I always fall, just to get up over and over again. But on second thought, what other choice do I have? If I don’t fall and get up, I just fall.

I choose to fight.

Waves

8 Jul

rainy_day_1920x1200_cool_twitter_backgrounds1

May 2006

“What I know is that everything comes in waves” Graham said. “Whatever goes up must come down and whatever is down is bound to go up.”

This thought rolled around in my head. Instead of being caught in the wave, look at it from a far and realize that it is really a broad straight line.

That this is our constant, this is our plateau and to be ok with that. But not ok in the complacent couch potato who is ok with riding life out on his bum.

But as the curious scientist, always experimenting with the machinery of the ride. In order to see where improvements can be made, a softer fall, a faster rise, in order to understand what works and what doesn’t.

I give up my title of being the expert, of being the best, I give that to all that is around me and they can have that reward. Instead I choose to frolic in the curiosity of my mind. Lifting every rock to see what is underneath, keeping my ears open to the lessons the birds sing, my heart open to the cleansing salty wind and my mind open to dwell in the possibilities. Now let the journey begin.

Rand and Kant

8 Jul

8a83b3f5877964949078840c1a2f14ddc201d5c3_m

July 2006 (letter to a friend, sketched out in my journal first)

Rand believes in the Art of Selfishness that we must always act in our own self improvement and never change our ways to help another being. Because in doing so we are A.) providing a crutch that the weak will use, and will never become strong enough B.) Will not help ourselves to fulfill our greatest potential as human beings.

While Kant says that we must always act in accordance of helping one another, and that selfish acts are acts of sin, because it is against the Christian religion of service to your neighbor- he believes you do not have to like everyone you encounter, but must treat everyone as though you wish they treated you.

But with extremes, it is always good to have each one pull you the farthest they can in each direction so that you can find the center.

However to be truthful, I am saying these things about what others thing because of how you said I was well versed and I enjoyed getting that compliment. But I want to think more for myself and think about my own unique thoughts.

Stretching my ability to think rather than only thinking about the thoughts of other great minds. (The word think fills me- think- my bring ins tingling.) Even though I am continually finding out a thought I had turns out to be a thought of some former person. Collective Consciousness, what are you going to do?

And I believe if we both keep to the commitment of being open, honest, critical (pressing to keep thinking further) and without the need of each other’s oxygen, then this will be a very stimulating experience.