Archive | July, 2013

In the Café Farm

11 Jul


July 2006

Today I worked in the café field with the men.

At first I followed this teenage girl carrying a bundle of café plants to the field, then after about thirty minutes of walking I was pared up with this one man, who is one of the head officers, my guess because he kept track of all the people working. Who did what, where and how much.

I was brought down to the café plants and planted about 20 plants. After that we headed off to two men planting a row of water plants on the side of a hill so that when it rains the water won’t rip out the café plants.

We talked and laughed and I felt joyous. I am feeling a lot better now and see people as friends rather than just another person. What was interesting is that while I was walking with the owner person, I realized my encounter with him had been solely about work and solemn. I then proceeded to fill myself with joy and curiosity towards him, there was a moment where he looked back and paused for a moment, only one slight moment, but in that time he felt my joy.

About two minutes later he offered me a banana, as a subconscious thank you for being joyful.

One of my favourite things to do while working is ask myself what do I get to think about today.

For the reasons that I have so many interesting things to think about, my face lightens up with a smile from a secret treasure I found. I thought about the future and how I always think about the future and how the future will come when it comes.

Why ruin the moments of now with the moments of later? Why miss the opportunities of the present? So instead I thought about the earth in my hands and how I wouldn’t like to plant trees all summer, I thought about who is the new president of Mexico and I asked one of the men I was working with if he knew and he looked at me in a way stating “Why does it matter?”

Why does it matter is the question we should all ask ourselves.


8 Jul


October 2008

You know what’s really cool is that I am taking control of my life.

There is a quote that goes “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You don’t blame them on your mother, the ecology or the president. You can realize that you control your own destiny.” Albert Ellis.

I’ve had this quote for a while, but I never wanted to accept it until now. Now I feel as though I have the maturity and the capability to see a problem and fix it. As well, I keep in mind that hard problems are never fixed instantly and just because I failed to fix a problem on the first try doesn’t mean it won’t be fixed later on. I have a goal in sight and through my failures I have learned how to get closer to that goal.

I have also learned that if something isn’t working, try something new, create a new plan to see if that works. And to not be afraid of failure because the most successful people are the best failures. I have a hard time though, with keeping people out of my head and ring to decide for myself, trying to believe in myself, trying to dust off my knees and decide where to start climbing again.

As if I am trying to listen to my music on a bus and everyone else is talking so loud that I can’t hear my own beat.

But if I focus in, the beat gets louder, that’s just a muscle I will learn to flex.

Part of me wonders what if I never reach my goals, what if I always fall, just to get up over and over again. But on second thought, what other choice do I have? If I don’t fall and get up, I just fall.

I choose to fight.


8 Jul


May 2006

“What I know is that everything comes in waves” Graham said. “Whatever goes up must come down and whatever is down is bound to go up.”

This thought rolled around in my head. Instead of being caught in the wave, look at it from a far and realize that it is really a broad straight line.

That this is our constant, this is our plateau and to be ok with that. But not ok in the complacent couch potato who is ok with riding life out on his bum.

But as the curious scientist, always experimenting with the machinery of the ride. In order to see where improvements can be made, a softer fall, a faster rise, in order to understand what works and what doesn’t.

I give up my title of being the expert, of being the best, I give that to all that is around me and they can have that reward. Instead I choose to frolic in the curiosity of my mind. Lifting every rock to see what is underneath, keeping my ears open to the lessons the birds sing, my heart open to the cleansing salty wind and my mind open to dwell in the possibilities. Now let the journey begin.

Rand and Kant

8 Jul


July 2006 (letter to a friend, sketched out in my journal first)

Rand believes in the Art of Selfishness that we must always act in our own self improvement and never change our ways to help another being. Because in doing so we are A.) providing a crutch that the weak will use, and will never become strong enough B.) Will not help ourselves to fulfill our greatest potential as human beings.

While Kant says that we must always act in accordance of helping one another, and that selfish acts are acts of sin, because it is against the Christian religion of service to your neighbor- he believes you do not have to like everyone you encounter, but must treat everyone as though you wish they treated you.

But with extremes, it is always good to have each one pull you the farthest they can in each direction so that you can find the center.

However to be truthful, I am saying these things about what others thing because of how you said I was well versed and I enjoyed getting that compliment. But I want to think more for myself and think about my own unique thoughts.

Stretching my ability to think rather than only thinking about the thoughts of other great minds. (The word think fills me- think- my bring ins tingling.) Even though I am continually finding out a thought I had turns out to be a thought of some former person. Collective Consciousness, what are you going to do?

And I believe if we both keep to the commitment of being open, honest, critical (pressing to keep thinking further) and without the need of each other’s oxygen, then this will be a very stimulating experience.

On Love and Happiness

8 Jul


November 2008

Interesting that the pursuit of happiness- the end result is that he made a lot of money in a successful career. Is that Happiness? Is that what our society teaches us to strive for? Maybe that’s why we are so depressed, antidepressant drugs in our water because we are striving for this thing called happiness in things that won’t make us happy.

When I think of the North American vie of happiness, I think of someone that is smiling all of the time, cheerful, doesn’t say negative things, always positive, staying on this single minded emotion of cheerfulness. And that if a person did not emulate this persona then they were some how wrong, to feel another emotion than cheerfulness. Thus, rejecting other emotions with in themselves so that they would not be looked down upon. Why is our culture not able to handle different ranges of emotions? Why is it that our culture strives towards this one state of cheerfulness?

What if our society thought that happiness was the person who was the most beautiful, than we would strive and strive to be skinny and dye our hair and put on makeup, doing everything we can on the outside to make people think the inside is fine. But when you open up the dragon fruit, you find it is devoid of taste and nutrition.

What if our society thought that happiness was in working, that the more work we did, the more money we had, the more recognition we got, the more things we purchased, the happier we would be.

What if our society thought that happiness was the amount of places that we travelled to, that we would travel the whole entire world, searching for experiences and knowledge and culture. The more we explored, the more knowledge we gained, the closer we would be to finding happiness.

What if our society thought that happiness came from a spiritual state. People would strive to become the most spiritual person, the most humble and giving and peaceful person possible, devoid of desires and wants, living calmly through mediation and peaceful surroundings, finding peace through avoiding life.

What if happiness was marriage or a career or a family or a house, or any other outside item that we could obtain. Than we could just obtain those things and be happy.

However, it is not the objects themselves that make us happy, but how we view these items that results in our happiness. The question we must ask ourselves is if these things satisfy our desires.

In the movie The Hours a character states, I woke up one morning feeling happy and I thought this is it, I have gotten to this state and from here on out I will be happy. But than I realized that it was just a moment, a piece, that in that time I felt the emotion of happiness, but it was just in that moment.

What if happiness was in moments of instances, of variety, that it could be found in all of the emotions. What if we stopped striving for this future emotional state and just accepted and loved the different emotions that came.

What if society thought that happiness came form love. That people would strive to love each other and themselves and find love in the things around them. I believe that this is the best state of mind. That is my mission to cultivate compassion.

L’Arche Compassion

8 Jul


April 2008

It is amazing how someone with no words can touch more people than I will ever know.

Sometimes people might ask why do we work so hard to keep someone disabled alive. I read an article once that said because the disable do not help to the production of things, do not produce anything valuable for the improvement of society that there is no reason for them to exist.

However, I do not believe this person ever spent a valuable amount of time with a disabled person, because if he did, he would realize that the amount of people a disabled person touches and therefore changing this person, produces so much more than any corporations, institution or university could produce.

We work so hard to keep them alive because like a servant to a king, they have many important things to do, many important people to change, many important lessons to teach, that without them the kingdom of L’Arche would not exist. The Arch would not be complete and many people would not be here.

Someone asked me once what is L’Arche and I said, if I could encompass the explanation of L’Arche in one sentence I would say it is a place that produces beautiful people.

The root word of compassion is from Latin meaning to suffer together. Together we live, together we eat, together we help. I help them to live in simple ways that they cannot do, and they teach me how to live in complicated ways that I am trying to understand and learn.

How to live, how to serve, how to be compassionate. Compassion. Love, the root of most all religions. Everyone is searching for love, and the core members allow us to love, and love deeply, if I learned nothing else but to love, than I have left successfully.


8 Jul


March 2006

I find that life is a dance, and right now I am dancing by myself and loving it.

Finding how to and how not to dance, finding new people to dance by, finding new ways of movement and when I dance with someone else I have to keep in mind their dance steps along with mine to make sure we are following the same steps.

Counting in my head, “ok, one two three, four, oh sorry, stepped on your toe, three, four, shoot, one, four, aaa.. let’s start over.” And I’m not ready to follow any one’s steps, and don’t desire anyone to follow along with mine.

I want to dance while enjoying the dance of mine and others. I am becoming that dancer who loves dancing by themselves, instead of always looking around for that person to dance with in order to enjoy their dance.

Eventually I will find someone to groove with, but we will groove independently of each other, not needing each other, not trying to control each other, bot depending on each others love. But enjoying immensely each others individual dance as we dance, and in this dance there is love. Everyone is trying to something for somebody who is trying to be something for somebody else. I don’t want to be a somebody or a something,

I just want to be. Become. Always becoming- Coming as a Being.